I miss you so much Papali.

Papali,

I didn't see your body before you were buried, and our last phone call was just me crying to your lifeless ears so, I still can't believe that you're gone.

Most days, I feel like you're just on one of your trips to Kuala Lumpur and will be back soon with your luggage that would contain some sort of gift for us, or just laundry for us to do. You'll talk about your friends, your latest endeavour, or we'd laugh at some dad joke you would make or at your rendition of a Bollywood song.

When I was a child, I eagerly waited for you to come back, excited to see you while also hoping to get that box of chocolates you would always buy us.

As a teenager, I'd be awake at 2am binge-watching some show and you'd come into the door and ask," tak tidur lagi?" I'd reply with a sheepish smile and continue my nightly escapade. You'd drink some water and have some food as you sat down to accompany me, even just for a few minutes.

After finishing high school, it was my turn to come back with you as you'd pick me up from the airport. You'd always insist on doing so. And you'd leave us at home for something. And you'd return.

Seeing you walking through that front door; that was what's normal.

So now, I still sometimes think you would. That the routinely-heard sounds of your steps approaching and the keys jingling as you unlock the door would break this strange dream I'm having as reality. And you'd return.

It's been 87 days.
Miss you, papali.

I just used food as my huge comfort. Idk why I feel like I'm not doing enough. That I'm not enough.

I wasn't hungry. I'm now too full. I just needed to stuff something in me in order to cover that hole in my heart.

I feel like. Umi is disappointed in me. Tbh it's killing me. But I don't feel like I can reach out. So it's killed me already.