When I was a child, I dreamt of writing. When I was left companionless, the pages of my notebook were there to hear me out. So the image of me writing and writing and writing was the ultimate achievement. I dreamt of writing in a foreign language, even.

When I was a child, I did not dream of going into space or excavating dinosaur bones or rescuing patients in the hospital. When I was a child, I did dream. I dreamt and dreamt. And it was all of me writing.

I have a dream. Yes, just like you. I've always had the same one, just like you. It's me writing.

I am sorry for pursuing my passion at your expense. I am sorry I didn't think this through. I am sorry I might be wasting your precious money. I am sorry for not being like you.

♥ 8:09 AM

Sometimes I think I want you back. But then flashes of what I've been through, and what my family has been through to show ourselves to you. And all of that is discounted.

My mom, she was worried sick over that. My dad was readily opening his heart to letting go of his daughter. Me? I gave you my all.

No, I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming myself. And I'm taking responsibility for it. So I'm trying to be better for my family, acting like nothing has scarred me.

I don't want you, not anymore. Because what you did was tearing the wrapper of a rare present and leaving its content behind. It has already exposed itself, and you went away after seeing it.

No, I don't want you.

♥ 6:06 PM

From today onwards, I am going to read and write. Yes I've been doing these things but not really. It's like the Nigahiga show where they whip up a dish to feed their crew but they didn't really cook, they just made stuff into food. That's what I've been doing. I've been writing shadows of what are supposed to be writings and reading without myself truly reading. I was just going through the motions.

The reason, I think, is pretty easy to pin down. I've been scared. It's strange but yeah. Write as you are and read as you are. Do not go through the charade of doing these things at your convenience. They are you. They should be the ones filling up most of your time.

So do it, okay? Do it with gusto and happiness and frustration through days that inspire you and days that crap on you. Do it with you in it.

Okay.

♥ 12:12 AM