I can't properly breathe. My chest feels roped in and anchored down.

I really can't breathe.

♥ 5:58 PM

my chest hurts. it feels like a heavy cloth of meaningless realisations have engulfed my heart, suffocating it, securing all crevices from any openings for oxygen. it is hazy. the feeling tightens longer than i can remember it has ever has and i wonder how i am this way have i ever been like this but mostly why. why does my heart constrict. as it ebbs away, it is immediately followed by the rush of adrenaline that pumps my heart fast. too fast. like it's relishing the idea of living. almost as if the cloak has been untied from its nearly severed neck. almost as if it is beating for something.

it does. i know. so i let it beat.

♥ 5:30 PM

I've settled with the end. I know how this will go. I have gone through the motions of breaking into my shell of despair and theatrics, given myself a long hard look and a long-winded pep talk after a quick assessment of the inevitable ripple, and clenched my heart into a fist of determined curl. It wont uncurl. Not anymore. I wont let it.

This is all to get the toxin out of my body. Sure the trail of its scent and slime will remain, but it will do. Enough to lace myself with a thin veil of indifference. It was bound to happen, I'd tell them. I knew it was coming so it doesn't feel that much different from before. Now we're back to normal. Such a relief.

Right?

♥ 4:48 PM

They don't know how much you shake me. How a few minutes of small talk with your intent gaze on me could be the source of my annoyance. For it reappears in my head in the most unexpected and unwarranted times. And yet they say that a smattering of small interactions here and there won't hurt. They don't know how weak I am. They don't know.

I think I didn't as well.

--
I am steeling myself for rejection. My thoughts can't be lenient for my heart isn't made for repeated disappointments. I mask it. Knowing that talking wont work. No one ever tells me the right thing anyway, and for me to expect them to do so is unfair for both sides. They are human, and so are you. You can't blame anyone in this. You just accept.

I try my best to confide in the All-Knowing, and true to nature, it does give me a sort of comfort. He understands your wrangled tangle of pain. You don't need to say anything. You don't even need to think about it. Really, as I bring up my hands and cup my face, as I hug the earth and kiss the ground with my forehead, I am free.

I should be. Only I'm not. Not always.

♥ 2:32 AM