losing isn't really the best feeling in the world but it wasn't the worst that i felt. after pouring so much of my energy, toiling over something i initially didn't care about, and completing it with the help of everyone, i thought i'd be satisfied. really, really satisfied. and i am, i do feel satisfied, relieved, happy. but why does my heart feel so empty? devoid of any real emotions, the hole that's slowly growing in my chest overshadows everything that i'd worked so hard for. there's this shelter in my heart, a shelter that lukewarm emotions can't really tread under. for maybe i am that fragile, or maybe i am just that emotionless. a robot hungry to feel but can't seem to register any of the emotions, true or not true.
i wanted to play the Yes or No game. can i? i can't. because i played it by myself and when i did i went and asked myself questions that i'd been wondering. it didn't work though, i lost on the first round to myself when i couldn't even provide a clear yes or no for a question i really wanted to answer.
if i'm fooling myself, then how many people am i fooling at the same time?
♥ 8:52 PM
i've come to realize that what i do to others is the determining point of how i'd feel for the day, and most probably, my whole life. i'd been thinking about myself, my life, and my ways. but the talk today gave me a clear cut answer of who i am and where i want to stand as a person. i want to try my best to be that person, and i'm slowly changing. reminding myself to be nice, to be pleasing, and still retain who i am at the same time. this may sound menial, but it is a resolution i must tend to. i don't have anyone to confide in, and it saddens me because that means no one really knows me. or maybe i'm just a sad person.
my ego is huge and my head is sometimes so inflated i'm probably as narcissistic as that guy in front of me *coughcough*. so i need a pin or a needle to poke my ass and tell me to drop it and be you but not that bad side of you you weirdo. but not a lot of people has been doing that to me. thus, i am here. attempting to poke myself with whatever i can find. it's a shame evil me isn't gonna last, but it can't last. so here goes,
i'm poking you.
pokepokepokepoke.
♥ 9:35 PM