my aim in life wavers perpetually as each second passes. i think this is mostly rooted by my weak character. i may look confident, i may seem as if i can take up on any challenge, but inside, i feel like i'm slowly dying. with questions as mundane as 'do i even deserve him?' and 'should i do this bla3?' constantly sneaking into my consciousness, my indecisiveness takes the spotlight and i am nowhere near what i want to be.
how do i let go of something i want so badly? how do i let go of something that everyone hopes me to be? both two different things but i feel like they are the same, for they are things i struggle with right now.
calling 4 of my friends just now, vomiting words because i didn't want to feel what i know i'd feel, was totally redundant. in the end, it left me with a useless feeling of guilt. guilt because i shouldn't be squandering away my supposed limited phone calls just because of a little lapse of security.
i love how he makes me feels. i love the fact that i can gush over him because of who he is. i love the fact that we are connected in so many ways, probably even more if we knew each other better.
but it doesn't matter, because i'll always be 2nd best, or 5th best, or 10th best. i'm not the one for him, i'm not good enough.
every time the pages meet, and we collide, i imagine they are all small prayers so that we can be together.
most importantly, i want to be closer to Him. i need to be closer to Him, so i wont be in a state of distraught every single time some little thing happens.
i am talking about a lot of things all in this one post and i know this looks very confusing, but i just needed to write. i needed to say something without losing my energy, without having anything being judged.
yes, my writing sucks now. i know it better than anyone else and it literally, kills me inside.
my passion is dying, i am quietly killing myself.
