i am just like this. you know, quiet and closed. meeting new people silences me, filters me, masks me. i wish i was prettier, because everyone would want to talk to me. i wish i looked more comical, so that everything i utter is a joke so blatant those around me has to laugh. but i am plain. not the homey plainness that people can drift closer to unintentionally, but the plainness that lacks interesting features, that strangers pass by with no concern whatsoever. it is at these times that i soundlessly glance at my shoes, touch the scraped surface of my wristwatch and take a book out of my bag. a must in my bag, a book. so that i can be left alone without looking like a social leper. so that the magnification of the emptiness around me lessens. how cunning.

a scroll through my newsfeed awakens the green monster in me, with longing eyes and hopeless sighs. i am not one of these people, who can strike up conversations without thinking. i worry. too much, probably. what ifs are the evil dwellers of my mind, incessantly whispering incites of anxiety, deflating my self-esteem.

pitiful, me.

♥ 8:03 PM