of rushed words and hushed thirsts

Watching HSR3 and this kid is talking about how today will never come back and today will shape him for tomorrow.

When was the last time the thought of today gave me hope? of growth, excitement and learning?

I used to feel ahppy thinking about tomorrow even when i knew i was going to only consume kpop.

How did my today value so little? How did it contain nothing for me?

♥ 1:28 PM

The answer was never another person. The answer to your confusion and escape was not and is not and will not be another person. A person is just that. Nothing more and less. What I seek for isn't clear anymore, or rather was never clear. When I sought for Allah, maybe I had some happiness. When I sought for a person, I had some happiness too. But they all come with turmoil and anger and sadness and heartbreak.

I know he was projecting. I am projecting too. I know he doesn't use his words well, but I already tried with words and I feel hurt. This heart is too small and petty to contain his projection. It spills it back through the gaping hole right in the middle. Something never filled. Something that left. I'm not sure.

They say when you're sad, you feel your throat constrict and your heart wrench. I feel not a lump, but air. Hot and humid. Hurtful as it grazes my insides without meaning to.

I don't know why I prolong this. But I can't gather my strength or my words to define what just happened both for him and myself.

This heaviness has been plaguing me from long ago. It takes a little of this to make me crawl back into my shell.

Maybe I never grew up. Maybe I never will.

♥ 11:51 AM

Life has changed so much but I feel like I'm at a standstill.

I am vastly different and yet this feeling of being stalled and stale is eating me away. Celebrate the small milestones, they said. Each little things matters, they said. I don't know. I don't feel it. Everyday bleeds into each other until they're all an unrecognisable blob. How to discern progress when you can't even decide whether anything has progressed. How to decide when you are just the same, only in different circumstances. The backdrop has been changing and changing but you are just the same.

♥ 6:42 PM

i'm mourning for the person who was. i feel like i'm losing out on not being that being. i am gone and at a standstill. i want to go back but refuse to even get up. i feel helpless even though i can do things. i am able to do things. but i won't. even if i wanted to. and i do.

♥ 11:39 AM

i'm back.

these days i have nothing much to say to myself because i'm so used to stifling any thoughts. i'm not even sure how i feel about them, afraid, tired, jaded. i have no clue.

it feels like my emotions cycle through the same things over and over again that it's stale and wearisome for me to keep spouting the exact shit i don't wanna deal with. so i mute them like it's the news reporting on some faraway occurrence.

i long to feel... i think. but i know with that comes responsibility and righteousness and wanting more, and i'm exhausted. at 25. soon 26. really soon.

i'm listening to sinatra's my way. it reminds me of papali, and of simpler days. it reminds me of hope, that i can still be someone i want to. it's annoying.

♥ 12:08 PM

my life is very different now. almost unrecognisable.

i am married, working and not practicing.

i lied. i am the same. just worse. and better.

i'm not sure which.

i think this is the first time i'm writing... since my last ig post. i don't write. i don't create. i transform and mutate, never create. i am not sure if i still remember how to write what i think. this feels awkward. but also familiar.

it's probably irksome to hear this but i wanna write again. i'll try. i don't know how though, but i'll try to write.

these days, i'm scared to even read. it feels like my brain doesn't function anymore. i am not sure how to be, i just do though.

this post is meaningless, but i guess it's something. i'll try to come back, no, i promise.

see you again.

♥ 3:41 PM

Now that I'm on this journey of trying to learn advanced Japanese outside of my classroom, it's really given me a sense of how great the lessons were at SOAS. Many times I've been hearing about how pitch accent is not taught in classes teaching Japanese, but SOAS actually incorporated pitch accent in our first year; I just didn't know it was that important lol.

Then I hear about how universities take too long teaching textbooks and not native materials when my whole fourth year at university was dedicated to us analysing 1 or more native material almost every week. It's crazy. SOAS Japanese studies is really well-structured.

♥ 9:12 AM

I think we're all superheroes with God-given superpowers that allow us to traverse this life with whatever we have. And superpowers are special to each superhero, and each superhero is good and bad in their own way. Imagine an Avengers with five Captain Americas, and a Marvel universe without Ant Man and fat Thor. Imagine how dull it'd be. I love my superpowers, and I love that each person has their own superpowers. It might not place everyone at the same starting line, but we're at least on the same racing track. And that's something I should always appreciate.

♥ 11:55 PM

I don't like talking to my friends about my problems or my past because I know they'll feel trapped in the awkwardness of not understanding them and try to keep these issues light
Like hey
Don't be dramatic
What
You were anorexic?
Lol
Don't be dramatic
Just relax

What the fuck did you just say?
Fuck you

♥ 6:31 AM

Do you know how many times I've imagined the taste of my own blood trickling from my deliciously cracked open skull like it's a coconut

How many times I've dreamt of ramming my head onto the wall an amount exacting to the pain it churns

The times I've endlessly drop my hand onto my face wishing it was a brick instead
A good ole' heavy brick

I've lost count.
I've lost it. Lost it all.

♥ 6:25 AM

Sometimes I feel like there are no allowance for confusion. You have to always be sure. Why tho?

Idk anything anymore. I just feel like such a freak. Who knows how to act like one of the normal ones.

♥ 7:00 AM

At 24, I don't know who I am.

♥ 6:40 AM

I miss you so much Papali.

♥ 7:03 AM

Papali,

I didn't see your body before you were buried, and our last phone call was just me crying to your lifeless ears so, I still can't believe that you're gone.

Most days, I feel like you're just on one of your trips to Kuala Lumpur and will be back soon with your luggage that would contain some sort of gift for us, or just laundry for us to do. You'll talk about your friends, your latest endeavour, or we'd laugh at some dad joke you would make or at your rendition of a Bollywood song.

When I was a child, I eagerly waited for you to come back, excited to see you while also hoping to get that box of chocolates you would always buy us.

As a teenager, I'd be awake at 2am binge-watching some show and you'd come into the door and ask," tak tidur lagi?" I'd reply with a sheepish smile and continue my nightly escapade. You'd drink some water and have some food as you sat down to accompany me, even just for a few minutes.

After finishing high school, it was my turn to come back with you as you'd pick me up from the airport. You'd always insist on doing so. And you'd leave us at home for something. And you'd return.

Seeing you walking through that front door; that was what's normal.

So now, I still sometimes think you would. That the routinely-heard sounds of your steps approaching and the keys jingling as you unlock the door would break this strange dream I'm having as reality. And you'd return.

It's been 87 days.
Miss you, papali.

♥ 6:51 AM

I just used food as my huge comfort. Idk why I feel like I'm not doing enough. That I'm not enough.

I wasn't hungry. I'm now too full. I just needed to stuff something in me in order to cover that hole in my heart.

I feel like. Umi is disappointed in me. Tbh it's killing me. But I don't feel like I can reach out. So it's killed me already.

♥ 7:59 AM

I have this weird urge to reconnect with everyonein my life. like, i see people for the value that they hold. that they have things to teach and tell me. that if i don't do it soon, i wont be able to learn things from them. learn things about them. and i want to do so so badly.

which is in fact, contradicting my feelings of wanting to just. not. speak. to anyone.

♥ 12:32 PM

I feel like the past week never happened and you're still there waiting for me in your room. I feel like the last time I saw you, with your deep voice and your cheesy smile, isn't the last time forever. I feel like you never left us. and it was all a dream. and you're still my dad. and you're still reachable through whatsapp. that i can call you for anything. that i can ask for permission to go on my travels. that you'd say no. at first. then say yes. but with a lot of advises and warnings.

I'm sorry I didn't call you enough. I thought you'd always be there. I thought you'd never leave me. You seemed so strong, that I thought you were gonna be my constant.

I wished you could attend my graduation. I wished you could see how I grow into an amazing person. I know you were always proud of me. Thank you Papali.

They tell me that losing you is part of life. I'm angry at this part of my life. or I'm angry at the person who tells me this, because it feels like they're telling me that it's something that's normal. So don't feel too bad. I'll move on.

I don't know how losing you is something easy. Enough for me to move on.

In my head, you're not dead. In my head, you're still alive and well. I feel like a psychopath.

♥ 6:16 PM

one day i'll see a picture of you and the girl you're marrying, and i'll think of how much she deserves someone like you, and how much you deserve a girl like her, and we never existed to begin with, and you'll continue on your path and me on mine.

and things then are supposed to flow like it never once converged us.

♥ 4:34 PM

i cried. because i can't believe someone i used to like killed himself. i cried because i'm in despair and upset at how dark the abyss was for him to actually let go of his live. he had a mother and a sister. he had a family. he had a world full of love. but definitely, he also had a world that scorned him and showed it.

i cried because he said he didn't know how to be happy.

and i probably cried because i can relate so much.

rest well, jonghyun. i...

we'll miss you.

he's 27. fuck.

♥ 9:33 PM

I'm really bad at asking for help. I'm in this deep abyss of fucked up nothingness without an inkling of movement and yet I just can't say it out loud how deeply I need help. like. I can't even say it to myself how messed up I am at the moment. I truly can't believe I'm here. But I am. And I can't even feel anything. Which makes it even more fucked up.

♥ 7:35 PM

I have a lovely room with so many pretty things and yet I feel like shit. Yknow why? It's because I don't have Him in my heart.

I feel like shit.

♥ 8:04 PM

We are leaving for China tomorrow at 9.45am with a layover at Paris for an hour and a half. I'm slightly scared. It's something new, going to such a faraway place (from the UK) with a few friends for such a long period of time (20 days!). I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back a changed person but that's my biggest goal, to come back with greater awareness of the world and how fleeting, how fragile and yet how wonderful it is. I want to look at things with eyes of appreciation and gratitude for my Rabb. It's scary, knowing that I'll go through such a life-changing experience with the possibility of not changing at all.

You remember how I can't express my feelings anymore? It's still ongoing, but at least I feel like there's a desperate effort on my part to actually seek help. The output is small - I've only mentioned how I am briefly and in the vaguest way possible - but it's there. The effort. I hope to expand on it. Really, I hope to fully acquire the need for help from Allah. Like always and for anything. In everything that I do. It's difficult for me now. To always think of my Rabb. It requires considerable consciousness to call out for him each second I'm in worry, pain, annoyance, happiness or discomfort. I know that's a weird mix of feelings that don't really range widely, but I feel like those are the only things I feel now, minimally. It's scary. I feel more when I watch dramas and movies. Scary.

I guess that's how people look at those at the other side of the world, something detached, because they are not moments you experience, but figures you look from afar. There's no emotional connection. And yet, there are also times when things are in front of me but I'm still emotionally disconnected.

Remember how I used to want to like myself at the end of each day? I don't think I've liked myself for a long time.

Through this journey and my record of it, I wish to reflect on myself, and hope that that will soon translate into a manifestation of my own reflection. Amiin ya Rabb al-amiin.

♥ 1:56 AM

Never again. To my dark doings and mistakes. Never again. That was the last time. I need to be the person who is proud of myself. You are bigger than this. It's alright to revert to your past who did well. It's bouncing back up again using whatever tool you have. Whatever it is you're given is what you're supposed to use. Use it. Mino.

♥ 5:34 AM

Do we live for a sense of normalcy or what? I find myself not being able to speak now, like something is stuck in my throat. It feels awfully familiar yet is something of the past now creeping up on me again. It's comforting and daunting at the same time. I don't know if I'm improving or reverting back to my old bad habits. Am I going forward or backwards.

I have a strong attraction to songs that pull me away from reality. I'm so scared of it. Probably because reality has hurt me so many times whereas this escapism is a safe haven where I am able to accumulate small happinesses and feel detached pain. It's not even bearing in this place, it is that light, the pain I feel there. It is as as tremendous as it is fleeting.

I can't speak. So I write. This is what scares me. Do I only write things when the words are too heavy for my tongue to roll them out. Do I only write when I know what I'll say will come out as thin wisps of uncomfortable air, so worthless and meaningless to others that they'll be responded with either a shoulder brush or a 'comforting' remark similar to one.

However, despite this darkness that ambushes me into an invisible corner, I am glad that I'm writing. Despite my terrible writing, despite it all, I am glad. Kinda. Because I know, just like how it used to be, my words wont turn their backs on me and this furious typing desperate to spill whatever scant emotions I have left wont evaporate carelessly. They will stand tall, black on white, like knights unashamed to serve their queen. They won't lie, and they wont mutate or manipulate. They are as they are, and they will remain.

♥ 1:26 AM

Homemade food meant fresh-baked pandan mantou, a whole vat of spaghetti sauce with sausages cut small enough for small mouths, and chicken ginseng soup that made you feel stronger with every sip. That's what I had at home. So here, a thousand miles away from those comfort, I'd pick up a packet of processed mantou at the local Asian store or throw in a bunch of herbs whose names I'd never know in a soup just to have a touch of home.

The stale mantou is what it is. Uncomfortable to your teeth, it is soft and crispy where it's not supposed to be. It tastes far from home. But I eat them anyway, and it makes me feel like I have a taste of what was on our marble table.

My home probably doesn't taste much like yours. That's why I gravitate towards tastes that are different than what you're used to. I don't know if anyone would want to have ginseng soup and mantou as their daily meals, so I'm scared of having to share what my home is like. It's different, and it might not suit your taste.

♥ 2:29 PM

I think I used to like sharing myself. The gift of sharing myself and having others shared to me was something that made my heart glow. Those moments felt warm. But not now, I think. Sharing myself is scary now. Like I'm imposing, instead of sharing. Like an unwanted presence. Like a thorn on someone's side.

Sharing about myself feels like a mistake afterwards. It's defeating. You are a disgrace o be known.

It's probably time to change.

♥ 5:04 AM

There's a Japanese word that encapsulates a rather permeating and sticky feeling of pain and difficulty perfectly; 辛い. And the part that makes you go, "Ah, yes. That is the word that describes my feelings." is when you can combine 辛い with another word to make that succinct compound.

You are 思い辛い. Ever since that day, whenever you are thought of, it is 辛い. Sometimes I am tinged with it, other times, it buries me under its heaviness.

It is 辛い when I had my life painted around your being. It is 辛い when what I saw were things I've always wanted to share with you but now can never do so. It is a really unique 辛い that exists in me when I know they were all mirages of my own yearning. They will never be real.

For whatever reason, I feel appreciative of this word. I'm unsure why either but having something illustrate your deepest feelings so on point gives you a special sense of comfort. Ah, I'm not alone. Maybe that's what I feel.

♥ 1:34 AM

When I was a child, I dreamt of writing. When I was left companionless, the pages of my notebook were there to hear me out. So the image of me writing and writing and writing was the ultimate achievement. I dreamt of writing in a foreign language, even.

When I was a child, I did not dream of going into space or excavating dinosaur bones or rescuing patients in the hospital. When I was a child, I did dream. I dreamt and dreamt. And it was all of me writing.

I have a dream. Yes, just like you. I've always had the same one, just like you. It's me writing.

I am sorry for pursuing my passion at your expense. I am sorry I didn't think this through. I am sorry I might be wasting your precious money. I am sorry for not being like you.

♥ 8:09 AM

Sometimes I think I want you back. But then flashes of what I've been through, and what my family has been through to show ourselves to you. And all of that is discounted.

My mom, she was worried sick over that. My dad was readily opening his heart to letting go of his daughter. Me? I gave you my all.

No, I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming myself. And I'm taking responsibility for it. So I'm trying to be better for my family, acting like nothing has scarred me.

I don't want you, not anymore. Because what you did was tearing the wrapper of a rare present and leaving its content behind. It has already exposed itself, and you went away after seeing it.

No, I don't want you.

♥ 6:06 PM

From today onwards, I am going to read and write. Yes I've been doing these things but not really. It's like the Nigahiga show where they whip up a dish to feed their crew but they didn't really cook, they just made stuff into food. That's what I've been doing. I've been writing shadows of what are supposed to be writings and reading without myself truly reading. I was just going through the motions.

The reason, I think, is pretty easy to pin down. I've been scared. It's strange but yeah. Write as you are and read as you are. Do not go through the charade of doing these things at your convenience. They are you. They should be the ones filling up most of your time.

So do it, okay? Do it with gusto and happiness and frustration through days that inspire you and days that crap on you. Do it with you in it.

Okay.

♥ 12:12 AM

maybe, just maybe, we should've waited those 2-3 years before we got to know each other. maybe you would've really known your father, and i would've really known myself. and maybe, just maybe, we would've found someone better in that time.

so you know, we wouldn't have been such a burden to each other.

♥ 5:38 PM

I think I'm bleeding but no one sees it so I'm not.

I will not be with you. And we know it'll be alright. That's why none of us held on. But I'm bleeding. Somehow. It's bleeding.

I hope that thoughts of what might have been are prayers for dawns dipping our foreheads onto the earth, afternoons arming us with Remembrance, and dusks driving us to His warmth. I hope that trusting His judgement is a sign we're closing in onto our purpose, that I realise what's important, that you find what you're looking for. I hope that the journey that roped us here will be freeing ourselves from our ignorance, from my past, from your choices.

I hope that we will be alright. And we already are. Really. At least, you are.

♥ 12:21 AM

i don't know how to write in happiness.

sad words flow, not better, but easier, because they are desperate to be put somewhere outside of such a fragile shell. they know it'd break, so they break out. they're not better, for none of them ever are any good. inside or out. but yes, they're easier because they need to be.

but the shell seems to not feel happiness too strongly. or the shell hasn't filled itself with enough happiness to express it. or really, it has never learnt to be happy and never learnt the words for happiness.

but then you're running away from the simple truth. that your shell never is desperate in happiness. in happiness shell you're too immersed and content that you think you don't have to spill. that you don't need your tools to preserve yourself. that you're infallible enough you want to keep it all to yourself. within that shell. but shell see happiness fades and warmth chills into reality. why don't you see this why.

but shell, when that happens why do you not come back. why do you close your own eyes with your hands feebly curled tight. why do you run the run that's not for you and fall into that well of walls and unyous.

why do you convince yourself of convictions from untruths. unfused unfuel unto you now an unshakeable fool.

so you've lost it. you've lost something before you've even acquired it. good on you.

♥ 12:18 AM

I can't properly breathe. My chest feels roped in and anchored down.

I really can't breathe.

♥ 5:58 PM

my chest hurts. it feels like a heavy cloth of meaningless realisations have engulfed my heart, suffocating it, securing all crevices from any openings for oxygen. it is hazy. the feeling tightens longer than i can remember it has ever has and i wonder how i am this way have i ever been like this but mostly why. why does my heart constrict. as it ebbs away, it is immediately followed by the rush of adrenaline that pumps my heart fast. too fast. like it's relishing the idea of living. almost as if the cloak has been untied from its nearly severed neck. almost as if it is beating for something.

it does. i know. so i let it beat.

♥ 5:30 PM

I've settled with the end. I know how this will go. I have gone through the motions of breaking into my shell of despair and theatrics, given myself a long hard look and a long-winded pep talk after a quick assessment of the inevitable ripple, and clenched my heart into a fist of determined curl. It wont uncurl. Not anymore. I wont let it.

This is all to get the toxin out of my body. Sure the trail of its scent and slime will remain, but it will do. Enough to lace myself with a thin veil of indifference. It was bound to happen, I'd tell them. I knew it was coming so it doesn't feel that much different from before. Now we're back to normal. Such a relief.

Right?

♥ 4:48 PM

They don't know how much you shake me. How a few minutes of small talk with your intent gaze on me could be the source of my annoyance. For it reappears in my head in the most unexpected and unwarranted times. And yet they say that a smattering of small interactions here and there won't hurt. They don't know how weak I am. They don't know.

I think I didn't as well.

--
I am steeling myself for rejection. My thoughts can't be lenient for my heart isn't made for repeated disappointments. I mask it. Knowing that talking wont work. No one ever tells me the right thing anyway, and for me to expect them to do so is unfair for both sides. They are human, and so are you. You can't blame anyone in this. You just accept.

I try my best to confide in the All-Knowing, and true to nature, it does give me a sort of comfort. He understands your wrangled tangle of pain. You don't need to say anything. You don't even need to think about it. Really, as I bring up my hands and cup my face, as I hug the earth and kiss the ground with my forehead, I am free.

I should be. Only I'm not. Not always.

♥ 2:32 AM

who are you?

♥ 1:36 AM

i'm fumbling through the light tryna make sense of what it means. what it means for it to have shone on me, what it means for it to exist around me, what it means for it to be. the light is blinding, and it makes me sweaty. it's light that i might not be able to bear. for i'm a creature that thrives in darkness. darkness isn't as cold as the light, nor is it as exposing. the dark encapsulates you, helps you keep your secrets. it lets you breathe without the suffocating scrutiny of light. it lets you dance without the anxiety that light displaces. it's warm because it's accepting. the light though. the light picks on your pores and expounds on your folly. it's open so when you're broken, you can't even close. close it. light is too close for comfort, too honest for anyone's good.
light, you might just be too bright.

i'm waiting for the day that i accept light how light wants me to. i'm not sure if what i am right now deserves light at all, but it's there, so i feel obliged to take it. i take it, but i don't know if i can accept it. i don't know how, really.

♥ 5:24 PM

My spirit is broken by my own doings. This anger is invalid for I have no right to be so to begin with. A destruction willed by a masochistic Machiavelli, you have truly outdone yourself. Stripped of your core, you are now nothing but something to laugh at. Laughable, you are.

Stop this perniciousness and start being.

Ugh.

♥ 8:30 PM

I have to be a better me. A determined me. A... Me who likes myself. At the moment, I'm slowly starting to like myself again. Because I'm realising how much I dislike myself who wasn't serious. Who was so crappy as a person.

Remember who you want to please. And remember those who are important to you.

♥ 5:07 AM

I've been quietly missing you and yet today, ironically, I literally missed you. Quietly you came and went, and quietly my heart is stirred.

I believe Allah knows best, so today it applies as well. Allah knew what was best. Missing you was best. So I did. All praises belong to Him.

May our hearts be protected.

♥ 5:00 AM

do you know why they bleed
because it used to be whiteblue when they looked up
or darkgrey
or yelloworange
and goldenblack

expansively honest
fearlessly truthful
peacefully humbling
enormously inspiring but

do you know why they bleed
because it used to bring life
drops of it, by the countless
it would pat their shelters

and feed the earth
it would bathe the trees

and flirt with the leaves
it would carry the streams

into the seas but

do you know why they bleed
because shrapnel hurts
especially when they were on their way to school
when they were harvesting their crops
or doing their yearly bookkeeping
cooking their supper gruel

especially when they were waving goodbye to daddy who was
out of the door in a hurry to
feed his family after he
gets home

but

he doesn't.

do you not know why they bleed
as silver and metal colour their eyes
when they look up to the skies
and it is not what they recognise
because death drops instead, by the countless yet

it falls with a clear measure
a hundred thousand bricks shake
fifty million souls taken
a dozen hundred families break
torn bruised brown green and beaten

do you still not know why they bleed
do you not see what they see
do you forget when they recall everything terribly vividly

because when they look up it is red
and pristine bones with dirt
and baked flesh flying off their neighbour's chest
lightly taken as desserts

do you know now why they bleed
because when they do, we simply breathe.

♥ 8:56 AM

Knowing myself, what I've done and what I do; I don't know if I like it. And I'm pretty sure no one would want to like it as well. I'm doing a disservice to myself and to the people around me. But the worst thing is, I'm doing a great disservice to Allah.

I'm already losing things most important to me, please don't let it deteriorate.

♥ 5:48 AM

I'm a person who thirsts for love. It used to be something negative, as if I can't love myself or my family doesn't love me enough. But now, now. It is something that I cling to. For I desperately need His love now. And it's this desperation that fills me with awe for His Mercy and for all He has given me.

Hold this rope, okay?

♥ 1:49 AM

Ah, my heart is too small for this world. A misstep is forever etched into it, a careless uncaring remains as a perpetual shadow, and a drop of criticism anchors it down.

I hope for a greater heart. A heart that smiles in moments of darkness, that accepts good things and bad things despite itself, and most importantly, a heart that lets go of the things it should.

Sometimes you just want to unlock your chest and give your heart a pat. It has worked hard. You've tried, heart. You truly have.

♥ 5:36 AM

It's funny how I can't forgive myself for not having a clean slate as my past. It's illogical, because I know humans are created to learn from our mistakes, from our moments of weakness. But I can't get past it, I can't accept myself. Or I have, but as something undeserving of anything more. Because a mess should be cleaned and pieces that are broken shouldn't be kept, they should be thrown away.

So what do you do if you're that mess and that piece that's broken. How do you deal with something that should disappear in order for it to be fixed?

Ah, I wish I could disappear.

♥ 8:22 AM

Saya tak rasa ada yang boleh menerima diri ini yang rosak. Yang terlalu banyak keburukan dari kebaikan.

Why did I take the plunge. The feeling of being scrutinised is scary.

I am not nice. I am not soft. I am me, all holes and rips with worn edges and torn up parts.

Ya Allah, it's times like these that I am yet again amazed for your Kindness and Mercy. For accepting your hamba. I only have You.

♥ 7:06 AM

I like indie rock, alternative rock, ballads, cheesy pop music, electronica, funk, folk, hip hop and idk just good music if I hear it. I really like good music, but I'm not refined nor am I music connoisseur. I don't listen to Chopin or Schubert or Beethoven or Bach. I would if someone recommended me something from them, but as of yet no one has and I don't know where to start. So I don't.

I'm learning Korean drum at school. It's called janggo. It's fun despite my uncoordinated hands hitting the drums out of tune. It's fun because I am somehow able to express myself through sound that is not my own, because I get to make mistakes and be bad at it and laugh at myself for sucking so much. I also want to learn one song on the piano from my housemate. She's amazing. I want to be able to create sound through my fingers too, and not make people cringe when I hit the keys on the piano.

I like writing. It's a way to express myself. I'm not good at it but it's something that I need to do or I wont be able to function like a sane enough person. Or if I don't, then I'm not grounded to my reality. I'd be too out there without being in myself.

I like languages because I like words and its meanings. I like understanding meaning of each word, the weight they carry and the burden of the stories they heave. It's something magical, and movable. Because words move through you and shake your core, clenches your whole and when they leave, you are different. Your eyes and your touch make sense of what they sense slightly unlike how they were a few moments ago. They have moved. And so have you. Words leave, but they remain with you when it counts. You hope they remain too, you hope your neurons serve their duty, and you hope your heart holds on to the meaning it has made, the feelings it has created and the simple contentment it has shared. With you. Words are intimate beings. They are profound and enjoyable, and in that few seconds you find these things, they are only for you. They give when you give some time to it. So give time to words, and you will gain more than you'd have thought.

♥ 9:33 PM

I'm a sharer. It's in me to tell people things, especially things that are good. It's in me to want people to know, and unfortunately, it is also in me to expect the same.

My heart squeezes itself in disappointment, and cowers into a sense of defeat. Hearts are not supposed to be cardboard, easily crumpled and stomped on. It feels sad. And untaken. Unheart. Cardboards don't hold emotions well, for they are not meant to, so they eventually get wet and fall helplessly out of shape. Cardboards unheart.

And an unheart hurts even more.

♥ 8:59 AM

8/3/15

Jujur kata, diri ini malu kepada Allah. Terlalu busuk hatiku, terlalu cetek ilmuku, terlalu lemah perjuanganku.

Aku akan cuba. Tapi aku takut. Aku takut kegagalan, aku takut kesusahan. Aku insan yang mudah melayan nafsu, mudah mengambil mudah. Aku ini mudah. Sikap bodoh dalam perjalanan hidup yang tiada ruang untuk orang sepertiku.

3/4/15

No one has time to understand. Everybody's busy with crap in their own lives, so why would they dip their hand into others'?
I have things to say but idk where to do it. Something tangible.
Wish I could pay for a shrink. They have to listen to you.

♥ 2:44 PM

It's not like I give much to the world, but I always don't get as much from it. And I shouldn't feel betrayed or self-entitled because the world doesn't owe me anything. The world does not have perfectly-shaped holes that fit what I want. The world is different and varied and wild. The world tosses you things you'd never want but it expects you to still be you.

You. And I. We are not the same. Not then, not now. So most of the time you and I don't fit and things don't fall in their places and hearts get hurt and minds get lifeless. And life gets bitter.

I tire myself from a constant need for self-assurance and a yearning to please others. Am I not good enough? Am I too loud? Am I too quiet? Am I too sharp? Too snappy? To be myself is to question whether people will accept me. And when there is less than I expect, I crumble inside.

♥ 7:01 PM

I feel like a bad person. Desensitized, because I need to be. I can't control myself. It is either my whole or none at all. Never in parts. I try not to be, it's just words don't work with me anymore.

♥ 12:46 PM

If you hate my guts, then don't worry, I hate my guts even more.

♥ 6:30 PM

Second guessing myself. Questioning doubting denigrating even. Am I not enough? Am I too much?

I'm sorry. I wish I could disappear.

♥ 1:25 PM

Rasa nak hilang. Rasa nak pergi. Rasa... Rasa bodoh.

♥ 10:28 PM

I really just want to get this over with. A fast brake. A swift kick in the guts. A gunshot. My hands are shaking. I need something fast.

Not this slow, disconnected death. It's worse.

♥ 9:47 PM

I'm not myself. I haven't been for so long. Or I have been, and time led me to act. Who am I acting for. Why am I even trying. What do I get. But why get these things.

I don't know myself anymore. I'm not sure I've ever known.

♥ 12:25 PM

It is a sort of comfort for me knowing that I will die.

♥ 2:52 PM

Siapalah aku. Legit question, siapalah aku.
How am I here, Why, for What.
Ignore it, they say. Not worth it, you're stronger than this, you're strong so strong that's why you're tested this way.
I am thankful for the kind reminders, I truly am.

but deep inside I have long shattered into tiny pieces of tiny hearts that are too tiny
too too tiny to take this in.
scattered shards of scarred hearts and His words yet to be carved on
each little parts different levels of cuts and cards that
are needed to be punched hard
or soft for it to cross into
the surface down deep down into
the dearth that is untied and scrambled
and consuming obtuse so it protrudes and distributes
further into all depths of all cells and organelles
and so they recreate into a maze of unarmed shells
scanty skimpy waiting to be annihilated and burn
burn and burn.
it burns.

♥ 1:45 PM

"The truth is ruthless. Toothless but fanged.
Two-faced bruteness. Roofless in the rain.
The crude taste of sane. A suitcase full of pain.
The truth is truthless. A moot case of blame."
- Lesson 4, Tablo's Words

♥ 12:41 PM

I am so tired. Just let me be, please. Let's just do this for the sake of Allah and be professional and do this. Not think of petty things. I am so tired. Too tired.

I never wished for a me like this. I had dreams of a perfect dress wrapped in a box taken out whenever it's yearned for but never. Never out.

Idk anymore. Idk a lot of things. But now idek what this is.

♥ 11:20 AM

Tired of making mistakes? So do you want to stop doing, and start ignoring? Is that what you want?

♥ 12:42 AM

My heart feels like it's being wrenched out, wrung dry, and left hollow. It feels like it's slowly painted red on black on red using a scratched record of regrets and remorse. Of sins and wrongdoings. Of ill-feelings and unfeelings. Helpless. Uncontainable.

They tell you to tell and not bottle it up but they tell you to not tell but tell only Him. They tell you to feel and let go but they tell you to uncork confront and correct because well, Him.

My heart feels like a bag of sand. I wish the wind would blow away dirty grains of dirty deeds. I wish the beads would wash into luminescent pearls of Devotion. I wish His words could be spelled and etched and remain. Never leaving. But my heart feels like a bag of sand coarse and muddled slowly hardening shaping into shifts of fleeting good long periods of bad and longer times of confusion. How long until it's completely punched and pebbled into blackblueblack concrete? When it is irreversible, when it is forever damaged.

My heart feels terrible.

♥ 4:02 PM

There was once a boy who was afraid of words. Words uttered and words meant, he felt, were never the same. He realised this as soon as his mother whispered how beautiful he was even when his face was the source of teasing and amusement. He wasn't ugly, but he wasn't beautiful either. What word could describe the streak of scar running angrily across his face. The left eye drooping into a saggy sack of exposed veins and white black blue red. The mouth split into two sides, the lips undiscernable and broken and disconnected. The face that would never be a whole, but an assemblage of cracks and pieces of skin puckering into perpetual horror. He wasn't ugly, and he wasn't beautiful. He was a monster. And that's what they called him.

There was once a boy who was afraid of words. Because words hurt him and beat him up into a spiral of wretchedness, one he is unable to ascend above. Because words sometimes told you the truth, and truthfully, it never helped.

♥ 5:22 PM

Like it was wrong to be me. But now idgat anymore, takes too much energy. Which can be both good and bad. But Imma do this anyway.

♥ 11:54 PM

I am so broken, why would anyone want to clean up this mess.

♥ 12:04 AM

The only redeeming point of feeling dead inside is no one knows. Not even a clue. So you go on about your daily routine and people go on doing their daily routine, sometimes saying hi to you chat and joke and you're expected to reciprocate and you do you laugh tease and talk talk talk. And for a moment, you think you're alright. But deep down, you're still dead inside.

And deep down, you perfectly know that He knows. And so you feel worse.

♥ 9:55 AM

What is this self-admonishment. Ugh I feel like writing Pantai on my forehead. I seriously need a break from this.

♥ 12:01 PM

I need to get away from this place. Can't wait for the 5 days hols for a break from this farce.

♥ 11:56 AM

너무 불안해 지금... 내 인생의 자체가 밉다. 학교가는거 싫다. 내가 있으니, 할일 많은거, 그 모두가 내가 진짜 누군지 너무 안어울려. 내가 문재다.

♥ 11:34 PM

Can't I just get married to Kakashi and get this over with.

I seriously doubt there's anyone out there who can keep up with my insanity.

lulz.

♥ 11:26 PM

I don't get the thirst for power. From an unconventional angle, it might just be your insecurities that bid you to achieve recognition, that drive you to be The Person who's seen by the world. It's as if you depend on people's acceptance of their inferiority to you for you to feel good about yourself.

Don't worry, I'll punch my card out of this office as soon as I can. You want it? You can have it.

♥ 12:50 AM

I think I'm becoming a bit meaner everytime it hurts. A child's defense mechanism, what did you expect? I don't have maturity. I embody bitterness.

♥ 12:41 AM

But why do you apply standards only of your own to a vast number of people when we've been taught to celebrate differences? We are so occupied with bickering over the trivialities regardless of the solidarity of the core.

The only One in power to resume the position of convicting and/or vindicating His creature is The Creator Himself. He Sees all, Knows all. Your core, your shell, your sea. And He is your Anchor.

Innaka ni'mal maula wa ni'man nasir

Subhanallah.

♥ 8:45 AM

Flicker lit.
Everytime I stare at the small dots of eyes the sunray blazing shades of orange the rows of parked bicycles the way the girl stands reassuringly in her solitude that small undented smile the wind that breathes cool through her hair the fearlessness of the whole with all its pieces so full and complete.

Flicker lit, I hope to be it.

♥ 10:45 AM

My head is throbbing, but it doesn't matter because clearly I'm the one at fault.

♥ 12:45 AM

Hatiku berdarah
Hitam dan gelap
The blood of a sinner.

I won't cry over you. Not anymore.
Only Allah knows, and that's more than enough.

♥ 11:41 PM

Tired of confrontations. Tired of feeling so angry, so begrudging. Can you perhaps tell me how to be passionless, unassuming. Calm, keep calm. I sometimes just don't have a clue how to do that.

♥ 9:38 PM

Ironic. When you look into nothingness, you see everything. When you have nothing, you'll realize everything. The absence in sight offers edifying insight. Nothing helps you, and nothing breaks you. In shattered pieces of nothing you find everything, and in everything you might find nothing. Nothing can be empty, but it can be full. Nothing is dark, but nothing holds the light. Without nothing, everything does not exist. Our existence in this world means nothing, nothing in the afterlife, but everything in both.

Nothing might just be what you need.

♥ 11:44 PM

the truth doesn't hurt.
the realization that comes with it does.
that friends are capable of betraying your trust, that your company and presence meant nothing, that your heart was taken lightly.

the truth doesn't hurt.
the friendship crumbling apart does.
those times you spent talking late into the night, sharing your souls, believing in each others' existence.

the truth doesn't hurt.
the feeling of being a fool does.
that fool who learnt to trust again, to stand tall, and to be who you are, good and bad.

i am a farce to my own existence.

♥ 3:38 PM

It's like I bring nothing to the world.

♥ 2:37 AM

It will blow over, won't it?
Why do I occupy myself with things so menial you know you're not supposed to. Chill heidi, it's all in His hands.

♥ 10:09 PM

I now have a fear of being judged. Of showing myself. As if being myself where people can see is wrong and sinful and yeah I should definitely just stay cooped up in my room coming out only when I need need need to but ofc head to toe dressed in an unattractive and closed garb coz girl if someone likes you then omg slut stop being a hypocrite.

♥ 11:08 PM

You know that feeling of being looked down upon? I brush off those judgmental stares and eyes rolled and uncurled mouths as my paranoia striking me out of tune. It is just a Monopoly game, and the only rules you need to follow are His words, the required governance from Allah SWT. Ya Allah, etch your presence in my soul and direct me towards imaan.

I need You and only You.

♥ 11:57 PM

You bury your soul deep enough so people don't get to it so they'll only see the surface so they can't hurt you anymore over your scattered specks of flaws you see them but you see them in a different light friendship is no longer a point it was something blooming no now it is a memory.

♥ 9:19 AM

I am a failure.

♥ 12:03 AM

Ya Allah Ya Allah. Ya Allah Ya Allah Ya Allah.

Because You know best. Help me in my journey of holding firmly to your promises and etching it permanently in my heart.

Ya Allah, may this adversity bring appeasement.

♥ 11:31 PM

Doubts planted unwantedly, waning my resolution of slowly detoxifying myself from my perpetual hypocrisy. Have I done the right thing? Is my self-righteousness just a manifestation of a deeper obnoxiousness finally uncorked? My purpose is Jannah but my acts have been growing towards the scythe. Astaghfirullah. As low as dirt, as ashamed as a heathen.

Ya Allah, uncouth my soul. Help me. Ease me. Show me the straight path. Show us this path. Amin.

اهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيم.
[1:6]َ

♥ 8:26 AM

When things are blown out of proportion, it seems whatever I do is wrong. Note to self, just shut up. You are not valued.

♥ 4:54 PM

It feels like I'm always treading on deep water when I'm around them; a tiny drop of splash may produce a gentle ring of waves. Or it would be that one shot of uncocked bullet diving far into the depths of the ocean. Whether it's lodged onto the sandy dunes for long or disintegrates in a flash all comes down to their interpretation. And their interpretation scares me.

Fearleas, I am slowly unbecoming of you.

♥ 9:12 PM

I hate being stupid. But I was, I was being very stupid. And now I'll actually really be stupid on paper.

Thanks self.

♥ 7:23 PM

Reduce me to a fault,
Darkened ashes,
Never lighted,
Not once ignited,
A flame once warm now refusing to stop burning
You
And itself,
Unpurported poise is poison when the edges
crack and crackle
Singeing someone unintended
Or was it
Created chance to correct a corrupted core.
Cool, you say
But an impression of an imprint of clay
Formed formerly
Is harder to wash away.
So the blaze grazes its own skin paving
scars scathing
bones and curved cheeks no more.
I am a flame,
One inundated with blame,
Guilty cries and choked up sighs are denied for I,
I am a flame.

A flame can't breathe oxygen or
It will die it
can't feel emotions or
it will tear up the skies and
lives lives lives no
it has to be controlled curbed and contained into a tiny shoebox
but hey I'm willing so why is it still not happening.

Raze away the pain
With another kind of pain
Physical pain so deliberate in its impact
so strategic in its strikes it hurts you to the core
you wont feel no more coz I'm so tired of feeling
so tired of this hunger for approval from Above
and above and
down below.

Where do I stand when my legs are too weak to bear this weight
how do I breathe when inhaling means taking in external beings and
they hurt you you lick your lips
chapped and crisp
yearning to satiate the unknown the unexpectedly complicated so
simple to everyone
but
you ofc.

I am reduced to a fault. Or maybe I have always been
at fault. A fault.
Faulty.

I am faulty. Please
forgive me.

♥ 3:01 AM

I have a conclusion. I think I've known this for quite a while. Don't know why it took so long for me to come to terms with this. But yeah.

I'm a bad person.

♥ 2:29 AM

Are you a good person with bad traits or a bad person with good traits?

Are you a quiet person with loud moments or a loud person with quiet moments?

Do you like to listen more and sometimes talk or do you like to talk more and sometimes listen?

Do you cry when it hurts or does it hurt when you cry?

Are you a facade or is the facade you?

Do you exist as a conclusion in the minds of others or does your existence shape the conclusion?

Does erring make you human or are you just a human error?

Excuses are given, and they dissolve in the air like humus, nothing solid, and yet with actual substance. But people don't see it, for not witnessing equates to disbelief. And I wield no power in consolidating truths, for I am a mere consolation, a tiny speck of dust.

Sshh. A moment of silence for the death of a fallacy. And the world laughs and moves.

♥ 1:21 PM

Why do I even care. Why do I even try. I am not allowed any room to breathe, a few hiccups and coughs are beyond my means. I am not in the position to do so, let alone sigh. Be perfect, they say. Should you be less than that, then worthless you'll be rendered. Just paste a pleasant face all day and everyone wont make a hoot out of it and we'll all be a huge happy family like what everyone wants.

I only need Him, screw everyone.

♥ 12:59 PM

Receiving this or not, I hope I am strong enough to face the challenges from either routes.

While it may differ at first, within me I believe an intersection towards betterment. Hold your horses and settle down, we're in for an interesting ride.

♥ 10:59 PM

I think I might've detransitionized myself by reverting back to my rude rude self. I don't need to be a prude, but I sure do have to keep myself in check.

♥ 12:52 AM

Everyone is taking their personal time off to execute these activities, the whole event, so don't think you are alone in this. Never think that you are sacrificing yourself. This is work for Allah SWT.

Don't say anything when you have nothing good to say. It is enough that He knows your pain and worries, InsyaAllah He will ease your difficulties. Be at peace no matter the circumstance, for it will be looked back upon as one of your greatest achievements.

Give yourself time to reflect, and only then you react. Respond with this in mind, "What would the Prophet (PBUH) do?" Look at him for examples, learn about him to strengthen your admiration for the Greatest Man Ever Lived, and do your best to emulate his Sunnah.

You can do this, baby.

♥ 3:00 PM

Huge reminder from Allah SWT and His Mercy. Ya Allah, thank you for this chance to repent and remorse.

More growing up to do. As daunting as it is, Allah SWT will always be holding your hand at every step that you take.

As you have once preached and believed in, trust in His judgement and His trials. Trust in His promise.

♥ 10:27 AM